Picture this; a very shy, introverted, awkward, 15 year old boy with very low self-esteem (thanks to my father who rarely missed an opportunity to belittle me); growing up in the Fifties in a small town wants to be accepted as "normal." I knew I had these "urges" (homosexual) but there was no way I knew how or could even conceive acting on those urges. I was at a crossroads.
 |
| Me - 1957 - at a crossroads |
I thought my urges for all those male classmates of mine was a phase I would pass through. Those times when I would get aroused just sitting in at my desk while one of my favorite classmates delivered a book report with a hard on, was a "phase" I would pass through. While our fellow classmates would laugh at our classmate who had this predicament standing in front of the class trying to hide his erection, I was about to have a wet mess right at my desk. Time to get a girlfriend Ron!
About a year earlier I had noticed a girl two grades ahead of me. She was a senior, I was a sophomore. I was struck by her natural beauty. She reminded me so much of my Mother at that age (16).
 |
| My Mom, Betty Hadfield - 1939 |
 |
| My Mom in her only schoolgirl photo - 1939 |
I was SCARED TO DEATH of them.
Vivian didn't scare me. But there was a problem, in addition to the obvious (that I wasn't sexually attracted to her). At the age of 15 (me) and 17 (her); two years was a BIG AGE difference. I was a sophomore and she was a SENIOR.
I made my feelings known to some of my fellow band members. Someone (I still don't know to this day) got the WORD to Vivian that a tall, skinny, shy sophomore was interested in her. I don't remember the exact first time we exchanged words but I do remember that after talking to her I felt very comfortable. This girl was no Venus Flytrap.I felt very comfortable with Vivian. She liked me because I wasn't one of those loud and boisterous guys of that time.
 |
| Me wrapped up in my Sousaphone - 1959 |
.jpg) |
| Vivian - voted "Quietist in her class" - Ironically she's pictured with a Sousaphone, my band instrument - 1957 |
Now, I had another problem. I didn't have a car. Back in the Fifties, unlike today where just about every teenager is presented with a car on his (or her) 16th birthday, I didn't have a car. A couple years before I got rid of my bicycle (after I quit my paper route). Besides, back in that day, it wasn't cool for a teenager to have a bike, that was for kids.
Vivian and I went out on dates but they were always double dates with my friend Larry. I remember once when we went to the Exton Drive-In. Larry and his Paramour of the Moment were in the front seat of his '54 Ford steaming up the windows and Viv and I were in the back trying to see the movie through those same steamed up windows. I think I did slide my arm around her shoulders and she cuddled in a little closer to me but that was as close as we came to petting (look it up) that night.
While dating Vivian I thought I had my "urges" under control. I thought I was moving past my "phase" of my basic instinct of being attracted to guys. Oh how did I ever fool myself? You have to remember back in the Fifties there was a LOT of pressure to conform and I wanted to conform, believe me. I wanted to be normal. And here I was with a girl who I liked, who was beautiful, who made me feel comfortable and who seemed to enjoy my company and who (and this is important) put no pressure on me to perform. And I didn't perform, no where close to it. As I mentioned earlier, an arm around her shoulder and maybe a peck of two of a kiss but no swapping saliva or checking out each other's tonsils with our tongues.
Then came the time of Vivian's senior prom. Of course I was expected to ask her to her senior prom, since we were boyfriend/girlfriend. What to do? I didn't have a car. I would have to ask my father if I could borrow his car. He never loaned me his car before and I didn't think he ever would but this was a DATE to the SENIOR PROM.
I finally gathered up enough courage to ask him. Even though this was my father I was always intimidated by him. Just ask any of my friends, he intimidated them also.
I thought I chose a good time to ask him to borrow his car. Two of his younger brothers were visiting him and they were joking around in the living room. I was cleaning the bathroom (cleaning our house was my responsibility and I did a great job). As I exited the bathroom to empty a pail of dirty water I casually asked him "Pop, can I borrow your car to take Vivian to her senior prom?" He immediately said "No!" and then continued his joking around with his brothers. I don't know what I said but it was very disrespectful, the most disrespectful I've ever been to him in my life at that point (and since actually).
As I was returning to the bathroom, he turned me around and gave me a solid punch to my jaw and said "Don't you ever talk to me like that again or I'll kill you!"
![]()
I lost my balance and fell part way into the bathtub. My uncles heard what happened and all went silent in our little ranch style living room. I was going to cry but decided not to, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me. My father had beaten us before (my brothers and I) but never with his fist. Always with a belt and never any real damage. More fear and noise of that swinging belt than damage. He never used the buckle side like his father did on him which left permanent scars on his back. My father didn't leave a physical scar that day but he left a big emotional scar. I had embarrassed him in front of his brothers and that was an unforgivable sin. I never asked him again to borrow his car.
Then I did something for which I have been forever ashamed of myself - I stood up Vivian for her senior prom. What was I thinking? How did I think I could get away with doing such a dastardly and cowardly act? Needless to say I was at my most self-absorbed, selfish, adolescent self at that time, feeling tremendously sorry for myself and not thinking of Vivian's feelings.
That Monday when I went back to school I was peppered with questions from some of my bandmates and class members:
"What happened?"
"Where were you?"
"Why didn't you take Vivian to her senior prom?"
I don't remember exactly what I told everyone but I'm sure it was some lame assed excuse. I think I called Vivian and told her I was sorry but I couldn't get the car. I know, lame.
Much to Vivian's credit, she didn't hold my selfishness against me. She said she "understood."
For the next few months we continued to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I did take her to her Senior Graduation Party at St. Joseph's Lodge in Downingtown.
I remember us walking outside on that June night, holding hands. I informed her that I was going to join the Army because I couldn't find a job. Now here's the thing, if I could have found a job I would have married Vivian. Yes, I would. Remember, this was back in the Fifties when peer and societal pressure was so great there was no alternative for a burgeoning gay guy to come to gripes with is life situation. Yes, I would have been one of those gay guys who got married and proceeded to ruin two lives by living a lie. Thank God I couldn't find a job or else I would have traveled down that dead end road.
During my first year in the Army I continued to write to Vivian but eventually our correspondence fell off and we lost touch with one another.
 |
| Last picture of me on my bike - 1955 |
Vivian and I went out on dates but they were always double dates with my friend Larry. I remember once when we went to the Exton Drive-In. Larry and his Paramour of the Moment were in the front seat of his '54 Ford steaming up the windows and Viv and I were in the back trying to see the movie through those same steamed up windows. I think I did slide my arm around her shoulders and she cuddled in a little closer to me but that was as close as we came to petting (look it up) that night.
.jpg) |
| Vivian - far right - 1957 |
Then came the time of Vivian's senior prom. Of course I was expected to ask her to her senior prom, since we were boyfriend/girlfriend. What to do? I didn't have a car. I would have to ask my father if I could borrow his car. He never loaned me his car before and I didn't think he ever would but this was a DATE to the SENIOR PROM.
 |
| My senior prom - 1959 |
I finally gathered up enough courage to ask him. Even though this was my father I was always intimidated by him. Just ask any of my friends, he intimidated them also.
 |
| My dad, The Intimidator - no, this isn't a mug shot - it is his employee ID at Lukenweld when he was 21 years old |
I thought I chose a good time to ask him to borrow his car. Two of his younger brothers were visiting him and they were joking around in the living room. I was cleaning the bathroom (cleaning our house was my responsibility and I did a great job). As I exited the bathroom to empty a pail of dirty water I casually asked him "Pop, can I borrow your car to take Vivian to her senior prom?" He immediately said "No!" and then continued his joking around with his brothers. I don't know what I said but it was very disrespectful, the most disrespectful I've ever been to him in my life at that point (and since actually).
As I was returning to the bathroom, he turned me around and gave me a solid punch to my jaw and said "Don't you ever talk to me like that again or I'll kill you!"
I lost my balance and fell part way into the bathtub. My uncles heard what happened and all went silent in our little ranch style living room. I was going to cry but decided not to, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he hurt me. My father had beaten us before (my brothers and I) but never with his fist. Always with a belt and never any real damage. More fear and noise of that swinging belt than damage. He never used the buckle side like his father did on him which left permanent scars on his back. My father didn't leave a physical scar that day but he left a big emotional scar. I had embarrassed him in front of his brothers and that was an unforgivable sin. I never asked him again to borrow his car.
Then I did something for which I have been forever ashamed of myself - I stood up Vivian for her senior prom. What was I thinking? How did I think I could get away with doing such a dastardly and cowardly act? Needless to say I was at my most self-absorbed, selfish, adolescent self at that time, feeling tremendously sorry for myself and not thinking of Vivian's feelings.
 |
| Me - 1958 - my Junior year in high school ( I hated this picture) |
That Monday when I went back to school I was peppered with questions from some of my bandmates and class members:
"What happened?"
"Where were you?"
"Why didn't you take Vivian to her senior prom?"
I don't remember exactly what I told everyone but I'm sure it was some lame assed excuse. I think I called Vivian and told her I was sorry but I couldn't get the car. I know, lame.
Much to Vivian's credit, she didn't hold my selfishness against me. She said she "understood."
For the next few months we continued to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I did take her to her Senior Graduation Party at St. Joseph's Lodge in Downingtown.
I remember us walking outside on that June night, holding hands. I informed her that I was going to join the Army because I couldn't find a job. Now here's the thing, if I could have found a job I would have married Vivian. Yes, I would. Remember, this was back in the Fifties when peer and societal pressure was so great there was no alternative for a burgeoning gay guy to come to gripes with is life situation. Yes, I would have been one of those gay guys who got married and proceeded to ruin two lives by living a lie. Thank God I couldn't find a job or else I would have traveled down that dead end road.
 |
| Ron in the Army! - 1962 |
Fast forward forty years to 2001. I'm working at First Financial Bank in Downingtown. One day a man comes into our office to inquire about opening a rollover IRA. He says his name is "Roland Beale." I recognize him and his name right away, he is Vivian's older brother! I tell him who I am. Of course he knows who I am and asks how am I doing? I told him fine and I asked about Vivian. He told me she was married and has SEVEN children! Also, four grandchildren! Man oh man, talk about dodging a bullet. Can you imagine me with SEVEN kids? How about ONE KID? Oh my goodness, I am SO GLAD I didn't go down THAT road.
![]()
I asked him to give Vivian my best. He left and I never heard any more about Vivian until 2007. That was the date of her 50th class reunion. I heard from a friend that she was asked to dance at her class reunion. The still shy Vivian demurred but was finally persuaded her to go out on the dance floor and dance, much to the happiness and enjoyment of her classmates and herself.
![]()
Hearing that story about the sweet and gentle Vivian brought back fond memories. If I had known, maybe I would have attended her 50th class reunion and asked her to dance to make up for that long ago missed senior prom.
Since then I've often entertained the idea of contacting her. Think I should? I think I will.
At this time of my life I'm all for tying up loose ends. Besides, we never got a photo of us together.
 |
| Me with a Senior Prom date I did keep - Susie - 1958 Only able to keep this date because I double dated with my friend Larry and his date Sonja Larry drove his 1954 Ford - Don't I look thrilled? Body English folks, body english |