In a little over a week I will begin my 79th year on this planet.
I may have lived before, at times I vaguely remember an earlier life. I may live again but to tell you the truth, I'm sort of ready for the Big Rest.
I know I've addressed this theme before (life and death) but I feel the urge to talk about it again.
As I have often mentioned before, I'm not afraid of death. However, I am quite concerned how I get there. I don't want a lot of pain and I certainly do not want to be dependent on anybody. My worst fear is having a stroke, unable to move my body but my brain is still active. I hate to even talk about that possibility.
I also do not want a long, lingering, physically painful death. A quick demise is fine with me.
A few years ago, during one of my particularly painful encounters with a passage of one of my many kidney stones, I thought I was leaving. I remember lying on the gurney in the emergency room, wishing I would die just to stop the pain which was unbearable. I looked at Bill standing by the wall, looking at me with tears in his eyes and knowing he was unable to help me. I teared up because I thought I was leaving him but I felt so guilty because my reason was to just stop the pain. Thank goodness the painkiller that was administered by an understanding and knowing nurse relieved my pain and I was back in the world again.
Twice in my life I've tried to commit suicide. One by stalling a bottle of aspirin (didn't work but gave me a terrific headache). And once by a car in an enclosed garage, but I couldn't go through with it because the image of my Mother at my funeral kept popping in my head. All I could think was "I couldn't do this to her."
My Mother died in 2010 so that roadblock won't stop me if a time should come again.
I am quite content and happy now living and loving Bill, my partner/husband of fifty-five years. I have a wonderful friend in my Canadian Travel Buddy, Pat. We are so simpatico. Have so much in common and enjoys my company and I do his.
I have a comfortable home, nice part-time job to keep me alert and fund my frivolousness.
I am content now but things could change on a dime.
To prepare for that I gave my boss at work the name and phone number of the person (a former boss) to contact should I no longer be here. I sent my former boss a copy of that e-mail which elicited an e-mail from him asking "Are you alright?" I am alright but I am at that age now when I have to get my life in order.
I cleaned out my basement media room. I'm selling things on eBay. I have an updated will. My bills are paid. I've lived a good life. Gravy time now folks.
I am tired though. I need my afternoon nap which usually lasts about an hour and sometimes more.
I can hardly walk up stairs now. My legs are so weak. I can go down the stairs pretty good. I can still ride a bike but I have to be very careful disembarking. I have sleep apnea but I refuse to wear that head gear my cardiologist recommended. If I die in my sleep, that's a blessing. Two of my younger cousins (both sides of my family) have died that way in the past few years. That's the way I want to go,
In the last five years I have seen three of my friends suffer a long and painful death. Not pretty. None of them wanted that of course. My one friend and I often talked about this back in the Eighties, when I used to visit him at his new home in Delaware. As a matter of fact he is the reason I moved to Delaware.
Now that I'm moving on to the big 80 I think about these things. I'm ready but I
That's my thoughts this evening folks.
I'll try to post a more positive blog tomorrow!