Visit To Bill Cancelled Today Because of COVID

Bill's favorite knee warming throw (the one I took up to him today)

This morning I received a call from Bill asking me where I was. I told him I was on my way to visit him.

I had packed his favorite Archie Bunker sweater (a raggedy sweater that never makes an appearance outside our home),

Bill's favorite sweater (a raggedy Archie Bunker sweater) - he LOVES that sweater, he has it now. I hope they let him wear it

This is Sunday so the traffic was light up Route One but of course wouldn't you know it I missed the exit and ended up taking the long way in through downtown Dover. Yesterday I took the Expressway that took me right into the rehab facility where Bill is staying.

On this cold (28 degrees) and sunny Sunday I arrived at the other end of the rehab unit. I backed my car in the parking slot, expecting to spend another two plus hours with Bill. I gathered my tote bag full of goodies I brought up for Bill and entered the lobby. I told the receptionist I was her to visit Bill.  She said "Are you authorized?" I told her I was there yesterday and they sent me right up. She said "You have to be authorized or else I get into trouble." I understood her position but I had that sinking feeling that I wouldn't get to see Bill. I was sick to my stomach. I asked her to check with her superior.  She asked me to have a seat in the lobby and she would check. Fifteen minutes went by and nothing. I went up to her again and ask if she had heard.  She said she would send her superior an e-mail.  An e-mail?  I asked if she could call Bill's room so I could talk to him. Maybe I could talk to his nurse.  She gave me his direct number, Bill has a phone right next to his bed.  He answered but he was struggling with something.  He said he was trying to "put on his pants." I had brought his clothes up to him yesterday. Maybe they were trying to dress him. He was really struggling on the phone and was in the middle of this thing they were trying to get him to do. 

I don't think Bill can move that much. Even though he was sitting in his chair yesterday but I didn't see him get into that chair. When his nurse asked him if he wanted to try and get into the wheelchair he didn't want to do it.  I know physical rehab is hard, I went though it myself three years ago when I tore my quadricep leg muscle.

I asked Bill if he could put his nurse on the phone. He didn't understand what I was saying. He kept saying"I don't understand you." I could tell by the tone of his voice he was very frustrated. And he's not talking regular. He struggles to talk. 

I hung up my iPhone because I couldn't make him understand me. The receptionist came over and told me that she heard from her superior and couldn't get authorization for me to visit Bill.  She yesterday was a "one-off".  I have to admit I was very surprised that they let me visit him yesterday because I didn't expect to see him.  Even though I was greatly disappointed (even more than greatly, I was devastated) I tried to compose myself and through sobs and choking up I told her that I appreciated them letting me see Bill yesterday and I understand why they couldn't today and since because of the COVID restriction. They have to considered the other patients they have in that facility. Another person came down and expressed her concern for me and told me where the coffee/refreshment room was if I wanted to spend time there.  I was pretty broken up, I have to admit. I hate myself when I'm like this in public but my heart is breaking for Bill. 

All he wants is to see me and come home with me. Now he can't see me or come home with me.

I haven't heard from Bill the rest of today.

I am so thankful I was afforded the opportunity to see Bill yesterday. One thing that was tearing me up since the EMT guys carried him out of here Thursday a week ago that I couldn't tell Bill how much I love him and miss him. That's all he ever wanted from me, my love (which he always has had) and to be with me. Yesterday I got that opportunity due to the kindness of those wonderful people at the rehab facility where Bill is staying now.

I hope Bill improves but I have to tell you that I wish he was moving more. I am worried. But one thing that I am so thankful for is that I had a chance to see Bill and could tell him that I love him. 

If Bill should pass away, he will be at peace. We always agreed it would be best if he went first. I just could not imagine dying knowing that I would leave Bill alone. It's better for me to be left alone. I can manage. Bill couldn't. But I have to tell you folks, this hurts. It hurts way more than I had ever imagined. 

The only positive thing now is that I'm not as desperate now as I was this time last week. If it wasn't for my friends (Glenn, Larry, Pat, Don and Bob) who let me spill my guts out to them, I was entering unknown territory. I felt like I was in a tunnel underground, crawling to get out and the further I crawled the narrower the tunnel became. I couldn't sleep. I was lost. I'm better now. I'm keeping busy. I talked to Glenn, Larry, Pat and Bob today. Bob is my neighbor who lost his wife, son and brother this year and lives alone. Glenn lost his partner/husband of 34 years on Jan 5th and just be coincidence happened to send me a letter informing me of that fact the night Bill was airlifted to the hospital in Philadelphia. I called Glenn on FaceTime the next day. Larry I talk to every day, he's been my friend since we became friends in third grade in 1953. Larry has ALS, I talk to him almost every morning on FaceTime at 8:30 AM. Don is my longtime friend from Philadelphia. His co-op guest suite is where Pat and I stay when we visit Philadelphia twice a year.  Don is a dear, dear friend. He is saving my life again. And then there is Pat, trapped in Canada because the border is close between the US and Canada because of COVID. But Pat calls me several times a day keeping me up to date on his condo move, getting my mind off of feeling sorry for myself. 

I don't know if Bill will ever come home. I hope he comes home. I hope his physical rehabilitation is successful. But I have my doubts, which I wish I didn't have but I haven't seen him move on his own except his arms. I wish he had more movement. Perhaps he will with this week of physical therapy. I hope so.

I am tired now. The last four nights I've slept hard but I do wake up early and can't get back to sleep. 

I always knew this time of my life was coming. I always pushed it into the background. Put it off. 

I'm trying to avoid cliches but I can't avoid this one. I'm taking one day at a time. I'm keeping busy (cleaned Bill's bathroom late this afternoon). And I await that phone call from the rehab where Bill is being well taken care of. I hope they put his favorite sweater on with those pants they were trying to get on him this morning. 

Bill just a few weeks ago sitting in our kitchen stool, being with me while I make more tomato, cucumber, onion salad for him. He loved being with me while I made his favorite foods. God I miss him.