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| Bill and me at Prime Hook National Refuge this past weekend |
The Phillies got shut out last night in the World Series. THAT was a bummer. Yes, I'm a longtime Phillies fan. I was living in center city Philly when they won the world series in 1980. I thought at that time if they never win another World Series at least one time in my life I got to experience the feeling of being a WINNER! And living in center city when the final pitch was thrown by Tug McGraw was the ultimate. Of course I would like to see the Phillies win the World Series again, especially against the cheating Houston Astros. But as Yogi Berra famously said "It ain't over until it's over." Another game tonight before the best fans in major league baseball, the Philadelphia fans. The Phillies win this one then it's off to Houston.
This morning when I was getting Bill ready for the day, his hearing aid wasn't working. I don't know if it's the hearing aid or ear wax in his ear of ear wax in the hearing aid. Whatever, now I have to jump through the hoops to get him to the audiology and have that checked out. Bill has full VA coverage in the Community Care Network but there are STEPS to be taken first. Have to call his provider at the VA to request the appointment which they will schedule. I have an appointment tomorrow for a CAT-SCAN which they have already scheduled for me. This is routine to check out that aneurism I have on one of my main veins. Would be nice to go a month or so without a medical appointment but it is not to be.
I'm usually pretty good with all these caregiving responsibilities for both me and Bill but I have to admit this morning I was (I'm looking for the right word)....... exhausted. Sometimes I just want a break but it is not to be. Bill tries so hard but he is failing. He's legally blind (biggest problem), hard of hearing, confused much of the time, has trouble processing normal conversation, and has trouble swallowing which is getting worse. I keep reminding myself it could be a lot worse and it could me. At least he knows who I am and he can get around on his own including going to the bathroom. However, I still have to change and wash him in the morning, give him a shower every third day, give him his pills, and feed him. A simple thing like putting on his own pants he can't do. Putting on a T-shirt is impossible. But then he could be bedridden and incontinent, which he is not, thank goodness.
Each day I try to get a little time to myself just to balance things out. I have to do this for my mental stability and keep fresh to take care of Bill. I just cannot see him in a facility.
I think I always knew this day was coming. In the past some tried to foist caregiving responsibilities on my for my late friend Bob McCamley. One time he was in the hospital and the folks at the hospital practically begged me to sign him out. I wouldn't do it because he already had a partner, Jim Donahue, who was a LPN. Really? Me? But Jim was a very selfish person. I felt bad about not signing Bob out and he ended up in a facility. I visited him there shortly before he died and it truly was a "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" scenario but thank goodness I didn't see a Nurse Rachet. Poor Bob, we had often talked about our final days and how neither one of us would ever be in a nursing home. But with Bob it was gradual.
The other time was my friend Wayne Juneau. He was also in the hospital and had no one to sign him out. Wayne was quite disappointed that I wouldn't sign him out which I felt very bad about but again, he had all these "friends" but when it came time to help in, there were no "friends" to be found. Thank goodness a co-worker of his took on the responsibility and took care of him during his final days. Bless her heart. Wayne died in a hospice center which I knew he hated.
I don't know where I'll end my life, hopefully I won't wake up one morning. I do have sleep apnea which I refuse to wear head gear. I told my heart doctor, who urged me to get the head gear, "That's the way I want to go, in my sleep." He has stopped urging me to get that head gear.
The sun is out today. I'm going to mow the grass which always makes me feel good. Bill's out walking, which is good. A neighbor just called and told me that Bill was walking, she was concerned that he was confused but I assured her that Bill was all right with today's walk. Bill does try so hard to live a normal life and I feel so bad for him that he can't do the things he wants to that makes life interesting for him. I can't imagine myself being in that situation. And I'll do whatever is necessary to foreclose that possibility.
In the meantime I'll concentrate on all the positive things in my life. That Bill is home is the most positive and fore that I am so thankful that I'm still able to take care of him.