 |
| Case of Ensure supplied by the VA for Bill |
Today I stopped at the local Cheers Senior Center and asked them if they could use some of the several cases of Ensure that the VA supplied Bill. They were glad to accept the Ensure. They said they would give it to the local adult day care center.
Little by little I'm adjusting to live without Bill. At times it's rough. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. But then on days like today, when I keep myself busy I can feel those positive moments like donating cases of Ensure for use of other seniors who have trouble swallowing. Which reminds me, at the end Bill couldn't even swallow, his esophagus was so damaged.
One of the hardest things for me to do still every day is when I get in my (our) car and run errands. For the past five years or more, even since Bill lost his vision, I always took Bill with me wherever I went. I always had his company in the passenger seat. I admit there were times when I would wonder what it was like to just get in our car and just go somewhere by myself. Of course this falls under "be careful what you wish for." Taking a ride around the local roads here in southern coastal Delaware was one of Bill's favorite activities. Those rare days when we didn't go anywhere in our care (usually because of the weather), Bill always missed "his ride." He didn't complain but the next day when we would go for our ride I would tease Bill with "We didn't go anywhere yesterday did we?" Bill would always say "I know, I know."Often I didn't have any errands to run so I would just take our daily ride down to the end of Oyster Rocks Road, which dead ends at the Broadkill River, and just park there. Bill treasured those times because he often said "This is the only time I can talk to you." When we were here in the house I rarely sat down with Bill but I was always with him except when I took my daily afternoon nap. Either I was in the kitchen making a fresh batch of hamburger cabbage soup or in my home office on my computer. I miss talking to Bill.
I may have mentioned this before but I have decided to keep Bill's room basically as it was before he died. I'm gradually getting rid of a lot of his electrical equipment and tools that I can't and never will use. I was going to clear out his room including his furniture but then questioned "Why?"Indeed "Why?" When I walk into his downstair bedroom and see his freshly ironed shirts hanging on the coat rack (he room doesn't have a closet), I get a warm feeling in my chest. As far as I'm concerned, that room will disappear when I disappear from this premise. When I'm gone, hopefully reunited with Bill's spirit, it won't matter.
Pat's visit to me here in Delaware and my road trip back to Pat's home in Canada was a nice diversion. This week taking care of my neighbor's dog and cat is also another nice diversion. But I always return to this home of my dreams without Bill, I am so lonely. No one can ever replace Bill. This is something I realize even more now that I had ever imagined when he was alive.
One thing I realize even more now is how much Bill suffered the last three years of his life. Because of his macular degeneration he was legally blind. He couldn't see anything out of the center of his eye. He couldn't look me in my eyes nor could I look him in his eyes. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. All he saw was my shadow. Even so, he still wanted to be with me and I with him. Bill gave so much. He always did for me. All he ever wanted out of life was to be with me. And now I realize that's what I wanted out of life. Oh sure, he had some habits that I didn't like. That all seems so insignificant now.
I wonder how long I will feel like this. I used my friend Glenn M. as a measure. He lost his longtime partner over three years ago. He still misses "his Michael" but he is happy in his new life. Glenn gives me hope. I think of all those millions of people who have lost loved ones they have been together a long time. They're all managing. My sister-in-law, still missed my brother but she's managing her new life. Same with my cousins who lost their husband, father and brother this past year. And I too will manage.