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| Bill's ambulance arrives at the hospice center last night |
Bill is now at the hospice campus in an end of life care unit.
After a very difficult day yesterday, perhaps the worst day of my life, an ambulance came to our home to transport Bill for evaluation for additional medication. They determined that Bill was entering the final stages of his life.
Earlier yesterday, I couldn't get Bill out of the hospital bed that was delivered the day before. He lost all use of his legs. He didn't understand how to get out of the bed. He slid down to the floor at the base of the bed. No amount of struggling could get him up. I eventually had to call the local fire company for which two burly EMT's lifted Bill front he floor.
I just couldn't lift Bill. I didn't know how I could continue to care for Bill if he couldn't walk. Earlier one of the visiting hospice nurses showed me how to change Bill's diapers (not pull on Depends this time). I would also have to administer medicine under his tongue to control his restlessness and combativeness. He was confused.
So much more happened that I don't want to go into detail at this time.
Last night I followed the ambulance to the hospice center which is about seventeen miles away. I hate to drive at night (the glaring lights). But I managed by asking the ambulance drivers not to drive too fast so I could follow them.
I had to spend the night at the hospice center with Bill in the same room to monitor him. That I was glad to do.
I don't know if he knows I'm there but I want to be with him at the end.
One of the nurse thought he would pass last night or early this morning. He didn't but he clearly was losing the battle for his life. Perhaps I shouldn't say "battle." One of the EMT's told me he saw Bill's condition before. He said "It was the body fighting with itself to stay alive and the other part wants to go."
Bill is ready to go. I have told him he can go. He has always been worried about me being by myself. I assured him I can take care of myself. Emotionally? That's another story.
Everyone at the hospice center was very kind to me. Listening to all my stories about me and Bill, like how we met. I couldn't ask for a better place for Bill to be at this time of his life. Bill is in capable and caring hands.
I will go up tomorrow morning and spend the day with him. I hope I can be with him when he passes on to whatever awaits all of us at the end of our lives. I do so want to be with him at that moment.