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| Hospice Center |
At the first signs of daylight yesterday, I drove the sixteen miles north to the hospice center where Bill is staying.
I wasn't planning on staying all day but after a feeling of comfort enveloped me once I settled in Bill's peaceful room, I decided to stay all day. Or at least until the end of the day, before darkness fell upon the land. I don't like to drive at night.
Bill remains unconscious or sleeping. I whispered into his ear several times during my eight hour stay. I don't know if he heard me or not but I was told by his doctor that the hearing was the last to go. Maybe Bill heard me. I told him I was there with him. I also told him it was all right to go.
The level of care that Bill is receiving at the hospice enter is above and beyond anything I ever expected. Beautiful homelike settings and a kind and caring staff who not only care of bill but also me. Several times during the day Bills doctor nurse and even a volunteer lady are in to talk or more likely listed to me. A president or movie star couldn't receive better care than Bill is receiving right now at this hospice center. Someone comes in every hour or so to check his vitals, wet his lips (he hasn't eaten or drank any liquids for three days now) and even turn him over in his bed. I am so thankful the hospice center came in to help me when I could no longer take care of Bill when he lost the use of his legs.
Something that I discovered by staying with Bill was how comforted I was by the hospice center and staff. I was only going to visit for a few hours but I decided to stay until dark. That place is helping me to ease the pain of losing the love of my life for these past fifty-nine years. Even so, when I came back to our home late yesterday afternoon, I was struck by all the reminders around our house of Bill's presence. Folks, I can hardly endure that pain. To know that I will never have Bill's presence in our home again.
I knew this pain would come and I will get through it. I have a little time left while my heath holds out. Last week Bill had a "serious" (his words) talk with me. He said he felt "different", that his time will be soon. He said he wanted me to have a good life with Pat. I was sort of struck by that statement and responded with "Don't worry about me with Pat." He said "I'm glad you have Pat, because I know you like him." I responded with "Yes, I do like Pat but I'm concerned about you now." He then said "We had a good time didn't we?"And sure enough, we did.
Now to prepare myself for Bill's passing. I know it's going to hurt but this is even worse than I expected. And yet I feel guilty because Bill has led a long, good life and we have had a good life together. Fifty-nine years is a good run by anybody's measure. But still, I am having a hard time imagining my life without Bill in it. I've taken care of him so long, even before his illness which started three years ago, that I feel lost now and..........very alone.
Thank you everyone for your comments giving me support. Thank you, thank you.