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| Me holding Bill's hand today. I hope he knows it was me. |
This morning I awoke about 3:15 AM.
I did go to bed much earlier than I usually do, 8:30 PM. I was exhausted. A good exhausted but still exhausted. No streaming a Netflix movie last night for Ron.
My sleep was deep when I awoke at quarter after three for my nocturnal trip to the bathroom.
I usually have two, sometimes three trips to the bathroom for my nighttime pee. Last night was different. I couldn't get back to sleep thinking of Bill, laboriously breathing. So I just stayed up and got ready to take off and visit Bill at the crack of daylight, which I did.
For the second day in a row I was the first guest to arrive at the hospice center. I know this because you have to sign in. For the last two days my name was first on the sign in sheet.
This day I was more prepared when I planned to spend the day at the hospice center. I took my MacBook Air computer with me as well as a journal. However I didn't spend much time with either. Most of the time I sat next to Bill's bed watched him breath with difficulty. He's breathing slower now with longer pauses. A few times I thought he stopped breathing altogether.
The folks at the hospice center tell me that the hearing is the last to go. So I made a point of several times of putting my mouth very near Bill's ear and telling him I loved him. I don't know if he heard me but one time when I was holding his hand, and after awhile I tried to withdraw my hand, he tightened his hand as to try and prevent my hand from leaving his hand. Perhaps that was just a reflex but I hope it was him knowing I was there with him today.
Again we had a number of visitors in the room. The in house social worker (very nice). This time we had not one but TWO pastors come into the room. They were very nice too but Bill and I aren't Believers. All this "If you want to be saved you have accept Jesus Christ as your savior." When I told the one paster I didn't believe that he asked me what I thought happened when you died. I said "Nothing, a void. Of course I don't have inside knowledge of that but it's the only thing that makes sense to me next to being reborn in a different body perhaps on a different planet."Whatever but none of that evangelical nonsense (please don't anyone be offended). Evangelicals support Trump. Need I say more?
Today was a cloudy, misty rainy day. When I wasn't sitting next to Bill's bed I was looking out the window of Bill's room to the garden outside, wet with rain. This hospice center is truly a peaceful, tranquil place to end one's journey on this earth. I could not ask or wish for me.
Tomorrow again I will travel the sixteen miles north to the hospice center to be with Bill again. Bless his heart. I do wish his suffering will end soon. Even though they're giving him a lot of medication to alleviate his suffering and discomfort I still feel that he is unhappy and in distress. I'm not religious as you can surmise from my previous rude comments about evangelical Christians but please God, release Bill from his earthly body and transport him to Heaven. A place of peace and tranquility and perhaps, a place to reunite with his family, friends, loved ones and beloved Pomeranian pets Hamburger, Sparky, Tee Tee, BabyDoll and Horace. Oh he would so love to see those dogs again.
Maybe tomorrow.